To Thine Own Self Be True

Rather than asking yourself, “Am I Poly?”, maybe its a question of “Can I Be Poly?”.

Put aside the cultural norms we are raised with, and research increasingly supports that we appear to be hard-wired for promiscuity. Great! Thats awesome! Now what? The reality of that is a lot more challenging than some people realize.

I see two polar opposites in how people approach non-monogamy, and it will probably make most sense if I exaggerate them to the extremes: one the one side you have the over-zealous thought-driven approach. Intellectualized, and perhaps over conceptualized. Lots of theory, with no action because heaven forbid there be spontaneity and acting on instincts and gut feelings. There’s a lot of preamble to relationships, and a lot more negotiating in-between- not just between two lovers but also between their other partners. Kinda feels more like a business merger negotiation than dating. On the other end of this spectrum is the totally thought-less slutting-it-up side. Lots of action, not so much chit-chat. No consideration given for other lovers and partners in the picture, everything compartmentalized, little communication, no checking in with one another. You end up needing flash cards to remember who you’ve told what, and post it notes to remind you whether it was Bob or Joe who had the ‘surprise me with anal play’ fetish. As with anything, the ideal approach is probably somewhere in a precarious balance between these, and indeed, that’s where most people usually dance in their relationship building.

In the last few weeks I’ve heard stories of partners suddenly changing their mind about the open nature of their open relationship, and wanting to put new limitations on their significant other. In every situation, it seems to have been triggered by someone new entering the relationship. Despite working hard on understanding and communicating about what that would look like, when the concept became reality, they freaked out and had to shut things down.

Why is it, that we so desperately seek to be able to love multiple people ourselves, but feel threatened when one lover wants to also love another? Is it insecurity? A lack of self-confidence? Some disconnect with the ability to understand and process emotions?

When someone who has for years put a lot of thought into what it would mean to be Poly- who has learned the language, the dialogue, the structures, the formats, the ‘rules’- what causes them to renege on that when it finally comes along?

The concept of ‘opening up’, whether in relationships or Relationships, requires a level of vulnerability that not everyone is comfortable with in themselves. Its hard enough to be raw and honest with one person, let alone multiple. We live in a world where we are encouraged to hide our shadows, bury our pain, and let everything be sugar and spice and all things nice. Unless we can be comfortable with gazing on our own darkness, then how can we ever be comfortable letting anyone else look on it?

There’s certainly a lot of more ‘superficial’ relationships in poly-land. The “hey, you’re poly, I’m poly, we’re hot and available lets fuck” type of relationships. There’s nothing wrong with that, it can have a lot of value. But its too easy to get into that and think that’s all you need.

I believe that as human beings we crave true intimacy, and we (in this society) get that so rarely today. When we were more tribal, the interconnectedness of the tribe was a natural innate intimacy. Now our personal ‘tribe’ tends to be something more fluid and fluctuating, and we’ve lost some of that intimate connection. There’s this predilection to create intimate relationships quickly by getting naked physically as a substitute for getting naked spiritually. But real intimacy requires a level of openness and vulnerability that requires so much trust and Love, and too many people are uncomfortable with the idea of someone else being able to read their secrets.

Not to say that getting naked physically and getting naked spiritually can’t go hand in hand. Actually its quite awesome when they do.

And yes, it can be an absolutely terrifying place to be in, when you start to see right into the soul of a lover and they see right into your own soul. Sometimes, people run.

So, is there some masterful ‘key’ to all of this? Some magic solution to the ‘struggles’ in polydom?

Perhaps its about being able to to work on ourselves first and foremost. To become not just comfortable with our shadows, with our dirty dark secrets, able to articulate our sadness and pain, but to actually be able to embrace that side as part of who we are, or who we have been. And integrate it with our dreams, our hopes, our aspirations, our joy, our love, our passions and all the other parts of ourself we have no problem showing off to the rest of the world.

So maybe the most important question to ask of people wanting to live a poly lifestyle is this: are you willing to work on the relationship you have with your Self?